I found myself longing for a whole bunch of things when I was really busy - and by busy I mean that I had a full schedule with work, and I had over booked myself with social happenings, and by the time I felt like I had time to do the other things that I had been longing to do, I was too tired to do them or by the time I can it is one in the morning. Once I get overwhelmed for long enough I created a lot of space, and it turns out, even when I have the time, I don't do those things either. Then I get bored, and then I super over do it again, then I get overwhelmed, then I create space...
This is a common thing for me, I have been going around this roller coaster for a while now and the ride seems to be getting shorter as I become more aware of what is happening in my life, and the underlying reasons of why I am doing what I am doing to myself.
The first question is usually around if I really wanted to do these things I would clearly do them, so maybe I need to re-evaluate what it really is that I want to do. I assure you I have done this and I really want to do them. The things that I long for are a deeper spiritual practice, so more time in meditation, more time writing, more time reading, and contemplating. Also taking care of my body better, sleeping more, having a nap, going for a walk, doing yoga.
When I do have down time, I really am tired, and I really want to do nothing for a short period of time, which is important for me to know and do. Once I am feeling more energetic and feel like I can start doing more, my habit is to do what I have always done, and go through life on autopilot, so I reach out to the people I love spending time with and then I go through the same cycle. Now I know that I need to pay attention to what it is that I want to do when I am really busy, and write those things down so I have a list to easily get to when I am not sure what I should be doing with my time, and I don't get caught up with the thinking or debating about it, or the not knowing what it is that I even want.
The other lovely piece to this puzzle is the fact that I like to have the external world help me to feel important (Belief of: if I am really busy clearly it means I must be important). Again, I am learning and trying my best to get off this ride too. Knowing this is wonderful, because it tells me that the internal part of me, doesn't really feel that important, and more importantly I have a false belief that is running things that says taking care of me is less important than taking care of others. Being someone who is in a position to care for others as a way of contributing to the world and helping other people, it makes sense that it is in there, it just needed to be re-calibrated a bit, which I do through energy work and meditation.
Now my belief is that I and Others are equal in importance of being cared for. It is important for me to support this new belief as well so it actually takes hold and becomes true. I have written my list of what I want to do when I feel bored, and I have enough things on there that I can still feel like I have plenty to choose from, and I have placed it where I can see it All.The.Time. This way my mind will start incorporating it and thinking about it instead of being on autopilot.
