What Do I Want to DO with my Time?

I found myself longing for a whole bunch of things when I was really busy - and by busy I mean that I had a full schedule with work, and I had over booked myself with social happenings, and by the time I felt like I had time to do the other things that I had been longing to do, I was too tired to do them or by the time I can it is one in the morning. Once I get overwhelmed for long enough I created a lot of space, and it turns out, even when I have the time, I don't do those things either. Then I get bored, and then I super over do it again, then I get overwhelmed, then I create space...
This is a common thing for me, I have been going around this roller coaster for a while now and the ride seems to be getting shorter as I become more aware of what is happening in my life, and the underlying reasons of why I am doing what I am doing to myself.

The first question is usually around if I really wanted to do these things I would clearly do them, so maybe I need to re-evaluate what it really is that I want to do. I assure you I have done this and I really want to do them. The things that I long for are a deeper spiritual practice, so more time in meditation, more time writing, more time reading, and contemplating. Also taking care of my body better, sleeping more, having a nap, going for a walk, doing yoga.

When I do have down time, I really am tired, and I really want to do nothing for a short period of time, which is important for me to know and do. Once I am feeling more energetic and feel like I can start doing more, my habit is to do what I have always done, and go through life on autopilot, so I reach out to the people I love spending time with and then I go through the same cycle. Now I know that I need to pay attention to what it is that I want to do when I am really busy, and write those things down so I have a list to easily get to when I am not sure what I should be doing with my time, and I don't get caught up with the thinking or debating about it, or the not knowing what it is that I even want.

The other lovely piece to this puzzle is the fact that I like to have the external world help me to feel important (Belief of: if I am really busy clearly it means I must be important). Again, I am learning and trying my best to get off this ride too. Knowing this is wonderful, because it tells me that the internal part of me, doesn't really feel that important, and more importantly I have a false belief that is running things that says taking care of me is less important than taking care of others. Being someone who is in a position to care for others as a way of contributing to the world and helping other people, it makes sense that it is in there, it just needed to be re-calibrated a bit, which I do through energy work and meditation.

Now my belief is that I and Others are equal in importance of being cared for. It is important for me to support this new belief as well so it actually takes hold and becomes true. I have written my list of what I want to do when I feel bored, and I have enough things on there that I can still feel like I have plenty to choose from, and I have placed it where I can see it All.The.Time. This way my mind will start incorporating it and thinking about it instead of being on autopilot.

You My Dear, Are Your Purpose

A lot of people are searching for their singular purpose like it is a magical unicorn. With the hopes that when you find it, you will get the keys to the kingdom, all the wealth in the world will be yours, all of your challenges will cease to exist, and all will be well so you can retire and stop doing what you don’t want to, and live out your days in a blissful existence. This unicorn searching helps us to figure out what work we need to do to get us there, we start off with one concept or idea, then it turns into doing that work, then that other work, then this new work, never knowing which one is the best one to be doing or not doing. Confusing right? Do you meditate? Say affirmations? Spin in clockwise circles 16 times in a row? Follow Deepak or Louise? At some point someone you know has done something that has been labelled ‘The Work’ and has garnered them some level of success, so you will for sure try that out right? Because at some point ‘the work’ has got to work! It should be giving you positive results, you should feel better almost immediately, money should certainly show up in your bank account by the end of the day, you should be walking around like that blissed out hippy chick that you saw the other day, you should totally meet that really amazing guy who has all of the qualities off of your really amazing guy you’re manifesting list, your dream job should become apparent and the universe will bring you a job offer right away right?

So why isn’t it? Why don’t you have those things? Are you worried you’ve done it all wrong and the universe just isn’t listening because you’ve asked for something you don’t want instead of something you do? I’ve been there too, it’s all part of it. It’s not bad or wrong to have those desires, I know you want all of those things, because I want them too, you aren’t human if you aren’t striving for or desiring them. 
But here’s the secret, the work isn’t about getting stuff or things, purpose isn’t about finding the most acceptable way to make money, having all of those external things in perfect place and order won’t bring you the fulfillment that you are actually seeking.

You, my dear, are the work. You are your purpose. Say it with me now, I am the work. I am my purpose.

What if your purpose was you? What if it was to uncover who you are, so that you may be your unique self and bring your ideas, perspective, and way of living, being and loving into the world? What if it was about BEING YOU INSTEAD OF DOING WHAT OTHERS HAVE DONE? What if your work was about you deciding how you want to be in the world? Does being a vegetarian work for you? If it does, great do that, if not, eat all the meat you want but do so without feeling guilty for who you are. Does sleeping until 10 am appeal? Or are you the 5 am rise and shine kind of person? Do which ever time feels good to you.

You will never fit into someone else’s ideal life plan so stop trying to fit their life plan into yours. Instead, take what they do that appeals to you, then figure out how to modify it so it feels good to you, then do that.

Devoting yourself to yourself is hard, it’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, it creates situations and new challenges that often don’t feel good or fun, but it is the only way to get to the wise and unconditionally loving part of who you are. Happiness and abundance can be a by-product of this, but it is not the way to measure the result. It also isn’t about finding the career that fulfills you, it’s about finding out how to feel fulfilled in life, it may require a job or lifestyle change, it may require you to find fulfillment in the job or life you didn’t think you liked all that much.

The external world is here to challenge you, to teach you the most beautifully profound lessons that are sometimes wrapped in the ugliest wrapping paper, and to show you where you are not in alignment with yourself. It isn’t here to tell you what your worth is or is not, or how much you are loved, the more we work to have the external world validate us by bringing us shiny pretty things or fleeting happy feelings the further away from fulfillment we get. The trick is to begin focusing on the internal you, and seeking the validation from the inside instead of outside, we do this by becoming the work.

I am the work. The work is my purpose.

The Universe Isn't Dumb - the hidden challenges of manifesting and affirmations

I could have phrased the title of this post as The Universe Is Smart, but I didn’t for good reason, it’s because the universe speaks in energy not in language. There is a lot of fears wrapped up in saying the wrong thing to the universe, and if we say the wrong thing, the universe won’t understand what we mean and will bring us the wrong thing, experience, person etc.

We’ve been taught or told that the universe doesn’t understand or hear ‘negative’ words like don’t, won’t, and never, but that is likening the universe to a human and diminishing what we believe the universe can do. Think about it, if you thought the universe didn’t really understand you would you have faith that it would be able to do anything for you? Probably not. If you believed that it was wise beyond your imagination could even grasp, that it worked on your behalf in ways you don’t even know about, that it understood exactly what you meant, and is always working to create experiences for your highest good would you have more faith in it?

We have a bit of an assumption that negative things are punishment for something that we have done, and the universe bringing us the exact experience we don’t want, leads us to believe that we are being punished, so we try to take ownership of the asking instead of the experience. We hope that if we change the way we ask for something it will change what our experience is.
The truth is, the experience is where the wisdom is, the experience is what we need, and if we think we haven’t received what we’ve asked for, we are looking in the wrong spot. In the movie Evan Almighty there is a scene where Morgan Freeman tells Lauren Graham “when you pray for patience, do you think God brings you patience, or the opportunity to practice patience?” If you want to learn how to be a patient person, you will have to learn how to put it into practice at the times when you are the most impatient. Often when we decide we want to work on something, we will find those challenging experiences coming into our lives way more frequently than before. That’s the way we learn. We learned how to walk by walking, and guaranteed there was falling, getting back up, re-calibrating and deciding how to do it differently, and going at it again. So instead of making the universe wrong for what it has provided or yourself wrong by how you asked, figure out how the universe has decided to help you.

The other aspect of this is in affirmations. We try to change our energy and vibration to match what we want to bring into our lives which is a great idea, but to put it into practice requires more than just saying a phrase that sounds good. We have to be able to find the right statement that brings us a feeling that matches it, instead of using it to combat fear when we are feeling fearful. Using affirmations that are pre-written can be a great place to start, but it is really important to craft it to you, if there are words that don’t quite resonate and bring up the feeling of disbelief, this will not help you. If you want more money, saying I am rich while you have $0.02 in your bank account won’t work either, because you know what you actually have. It isn’t necessary to go from 0-100, from where you are to where you want to be in the end, you can start out with the desire to be rich, and begin an affirmation with I am aligning with receiving more money for my highest good, or I am no longer suffering financially, and as it starts to help you feel that way, you can shift it again and again until you get the desired result. If you repeat I am rich again and again with disbelief, it actually puts more emphasis and energy on the fact that you don’t believe it, and reinforcing you not being rich.

If the universe speaks in energy, and you repeat an affirmation that you don’t believe in, it will get lost in the sea of useless thoughts we have floating around our brain throughout the day, if you have tried meditation you will know how many of those we have in ten minutes. That is why the words aren’t as important as how we feel. If we can create an affirmation that moves us from feeling shitty to feeling lighter, better, happier and allows us to energetically align with the feeling we want to have we can start to create the life experiences we want. If saying ‘not suffering’ makes you feel better over ‘happy and content’ use it, and when it stops helping you feel better move on to something that does. And please, for the love of yourself, stop thinking that the universe is a bully who won’t help you if you don’t say the right password, it is way more aware, loving and incredible than that, and so are you.